if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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