i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
