She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
