I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
