you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
