I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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