fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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