there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
