I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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