In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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