It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
