Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Randomize
