It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
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