Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I want a musical about memes.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
we should paint friendship bongs
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