can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
