Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
