i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
