Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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