when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
