I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
