Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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