Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(315): View more from New York

im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!

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(315): im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone! http://tfl.nu/rzxj

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

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(828): Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish http://tfl.nu/vvox

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(408): He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize. http://tfl.nu/u4mt

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(585): View more from New York

He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.

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(585): He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials. http://tfl.nu/lmhg

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(916): Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius. http://tfl.nu/nzur

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.

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(412): My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me. http://tfl.nu/dzz5

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand

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(678): Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand http://tfl.nu/u3cn

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.

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(250): He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS. http://tfl.nu/xkr3

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(870): It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina http://tfl.nu/15cg

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(561): View more from Florida

Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk

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(561): Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk http://tfl.nu/69zw

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(214): View more from Texas

It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.

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(214): It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils. http://tfl.nu/mamt

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(306): I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth" http://tfl.nu/c8fv

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.

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(918): Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want. http://tfl.nu/d7n8

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.

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(225): He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it. http://tfl.nu/zsrk

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.

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(609): I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning. http://tfl.nu/5pl9

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