I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Four minutes until I can fart!
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
It's like wanting to be a vampire vs being a vampire. You don't know the cock lust until it's infected you.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.