I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.