dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
