great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
