Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
