That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Redeem this text for a blowjob
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Go christen that room with your naked body.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
