nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I just cut my nipple shaving
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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