Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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