Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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