I hate your face
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
