Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
sex in a hospital.. check
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
