If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
