If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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