Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
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Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize