watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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