I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
