at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
So squirting runs in the family.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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