I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
