When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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