Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
