Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
