I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
