I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
