My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
