At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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