are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
But theres a keg here and me gusta
Just pee around me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Randomize