Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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