I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
