I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My pussy is not your playground.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
