remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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