Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
