Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
