the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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