Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
