3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
