I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
