i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
