How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
